Sometimes, somedays I realise that the version of myself, the perfect Mother, raising the most perfectly well behaved children seems so far away. It feels like an incredibly distant goal that is pretty much impossible to obtain.
Facebook, other social media and even talking amongst other Mums makes me feel so incredibly self conscious about how I parent. We all parent totally different, which is fine and all is well. Only, I know this deep down but instead I will sit and dwell about everything I feel bad about.
Like how I didn't breastfeed. Some do, some don't. Luckily for me this is one worry that doesn't bother me as much, as time has gone on. However, it used to make me feel so down and I would fret over it so much.
But instead, I question if I'm failing the boys. My youngest is going to be getting SENCO support in pre school come September as his speech isn't quite as it should be. Could I have changed that? I feel like I did everything I did with the eldest, but maybe I didn't? Maybe I went wrong somewhere or didn't try hard enough. I try to sit him down now to correct his words as we go through flash cards. But he still just can't form certain words correctly.
Both boys still get up to find comfort with us in the night. Should I be stricter here? We just got so tired. And now I quite like them close at night. I know one day they won't come for a snuggle. Perhaps I'm holding on and being selfish. I've tried reward charts for them to stay in their own bed all night. They'd rather our comfort than our prizes. Does that make me a bad parent?
I question their immune systems. Are they healthy enough? Why is my eldest so fussy with eating? Why does nothing I try work?
What about their behaviour? Are they too rude, or mischievous?
When I start listing them, my insecurities about my parenting screams louder and I feel like I could scroll off a never ending list of whys and hopes for their future.
Are they happy though? Yes, very. They bounce about with smiles on their faces.
Are they loved? More than anything in existence.
Are they cared for, fed, bathed? So much.
Are they bad children? Sometimes, but sometimes they're the best, kindest, most loving beings I've ever met.
They may be behind in some areas, but they are certainly ahead in others. They may have their naughty moments, but I can tell you they have twice as many amazing loving moments. They are mine though. And they fill me with worries and questions about whether I am Parenting right. Sometimes I do feel that I am quite frankly failing Parenting.
Only the ones marking me, instead of supporting me, shouldn't matter. And as for marking myself, I need to realise that we all parent differently.
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