The Moment My Heart Broke

Recently, there was a moment where my heart broke. It felt like it had been stamped on, I could not stop crying. The tears just came down and down, my make up was down my face and my top was soaking full of the tears that had fallen. I ached and longed for a way to fix it. The moment that it broke, I realised that it would be constantly broken. Over and over. It would be broken time after time again. The reason? I am a Mother. 

Sure, there had been times before where I'd felt down, be it with guilt for feeling not good enough for my children, or I had felt sad because my child was poorly or hurting and there was nothing I could do about it. I had felt worry, worry for their wellbeing and safety. But nothing prepared me for the heart break I felt that day. 

My eldest Son had not long started school, he had been going part time for a few weeks and this was his first day where he had stayed for lunch. He came home from school, he seemed grumpy and tired. I knew this would be normal, so I gave him space when he needed it and let him get on with playing and watching TV. I had asked him about his day and whether he had enjoyed lunch time. He said he did, but he didn't get any custard. I thought nothing more of it. 

Then later, he was starting to open up to me more about his day. He again told me that he didn't get any custard, he seemed quite upset by this custard malarky so I decided to enquire further, 

"Why didn't you get any custard?" I asked him inquisitively, watching his face closely. 

"Because I didn't" he just said it bluntly. 

"But why? Was there none? Did you have a cake?" 

"Yes, but I didn't get any custard" 

"Why not? Did you ask for some?"

"Yeah" 

"So why didn't you get any?"

He just shrugged and stared at me. My eldest is a quiet boy, he is friendly, polite but doesn't have the confidence in him that his younger brother has. So I asked,

"Did they hear you?" 

"No" He looked down at the floor with sadness. 

I know it seems silly, I mean it is just a bit of custard, but a silly matter did not stop my heart from breaking. To me it wasn't silly; it was the idea that I won't always be there for him to stand up for him, to speak up for him, to help him, to support him. It was the realisation that he is a school boy now and there are things he has to naturally figure out for himself, there will be times he will be let down, not heard, not supported and he has to just shrug if off. I know this is normal, natural and that every child learns and grows from these situations. But in that moment, I just felt sad because I had been there for the last 4 and a half years to do all of that for him, and it reminded me that now it is his time to spread his wings and fly. 

There will be many many a times where my heart will break, where I will cry with frustration and sadness for my little boys. Be it they get sad at school, struggle, get poorly, break up with a girlfriend, miss out on an opportunity. There will be so many times where I will feel their pain but stronger, get more frustrated for them and cry harder for them. I hope it is a sign that I am a good Mum and that I could not love them any more than I do. It may have been custard, but to me it was much much more. I was so sad my child had not gotten what he wanted; not in a spoilt brat way, but because he wasn't heard. His little voice was not heard and I wasn't there to speak up to him. 

So, I did all I could do. I wiped up my tears and I embraced him and hugged him so tightly. Then I got in a massive load of custard with the next food shop, so if he ever didn't get custard again, I would give him it at home. Like Mothers do, they provide, they cheer up and they are there at the end of the day to make things right; to support and love with their all. I also made sure I taught him the lesson, I told him to speak louder, that he was a lovely little boy and his voice deserved to be heard. I told him that adults don't hear as well. So I told him to be confident and brave, to speak loudly but politely. 

So he did the next day. But he still didn't get any; they informed him that he couldn't have custard on top of his apple. I somewhat agreed with this. 

Fast forward a month and a bit. My Son loves his school custard, he gets it frequently and he informs me that sometimes it is all he eats. That's because he is a frustratingly fussy child. A hurdle I will have to tackle another day. 

As small as this incident was, it taught me that I will feel so much for my children. I will have my heart broken over and over. But I will have my heart healed by the moments of pure joy that parenting brings; like the very next day, the moment my eldest hugged me so tightly, told me he loved me and that I was "The best mummy in the whole world". I don't think my heart had ever felt fuller and I cried, this time such happy tears. It was a confirmation that I am doing something right and I don't get that a lot, so it meant the world. It still does. Bring on the heart break, bring on the full hearts. Parenting is a roller coaster ride. 

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